The following movie review has been written by me, Claire! So don't take it too seriously. And to be clear, MOST OF THIS IS PURE SARCASM. All drawings are by me (though maybe I shouldn't admit to that...)
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| BATMANNNNNN!!!! (complete with Marvel poster in background... FAIL!) |
Just got to see the new Batman, and it was pretty epic. Christopher Nolan is amazing at creating such a realistic world with believable villains and stories. That being said, I have quite a few discrepancies regarding this new film's "Seriously" Factor.
Before we get to that, I'd like to mention the cast's performances. First off, Christian Bale who plays Bruce Wayne/Batman is finally growing on me as a human being. To be honest, for me Bale has always been like Nick Cage: there... for some reason. He's one of those guys who I don't really root for in a movie. That being said, I basically zone out every time Bale is onscreen and have very little idea of what is actually going on in any of these movies.
Christian Bale's Batman voice (AKA hushed mumbling) is still going on. I know he is trying to hide his identity, but he sounds like he has laryngitis, and I don't think the rest of the cast can hear him. I wanted to offer him some herbal tea the whole movie.
Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman are their usual cool selves. Not much to say about them, since they rock and have remained consistently awesome throughout the trilogy.
The new Villain, Bane, played by Tom Hardy was possibly the most evil guy yet. These Batman movies are very political and dark, and Bane kind of took it to a whole new level of terrorism. Bane made Liam Neeson's and Heath Ledger's characters look like kittens in comparison. That being said, I severely missed Neeson and Ledger. This is in part because I am in LOVE with both actors (romantically) and enjoy watching them in anything. Also because during all of Joker's scenes, I was left excited, stunned and smiling. There were a lot of "Oooh Guuurl, No he Din't!" moments with Joker. Whereas with Bane, I was usually scared of him and found his scenes almost hard to watch. I did highly appreciate Bane's sheer awesomeness as he beat up Batman. That Christian Bale needed a good a**-kicking I'm sure, for some reason or another. I read a review that compared Bane to the Hulk, and he really did a good job during those fight scenes. However then Tom Hardy opened his mouth... Or didn't... I'm not sure, because the character wears a mask.
Very rarely could I understand what Bane/Tom Hardy was saying behind his Darth Vader Mask. In the second part of the movie I literally stopped trying to understand what his lines were. I will admit, I have not read the comics, and know nothing of Bane's character outside of Nolan's world... But the mask, in my opinion, really inhibited the performance and left a lot to be desired. I know everyone is going to hate me for saying that, so I'm sorry! *shrug* The voice itself was a good voice for the character, but the character clearly needed subtitles. Again, sorry! *double shrug*
Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a cop with a forgettable name who is helping Batman and Commissioner Gordon. Gordon-Levitt has been a favorite of mine all the way from his days on 3rd Rock From the Sun. I barely recognized him at first because his character is no longer that super happy, musically talented adorable heart throb. He does a great job and is VERY crucial to the plot, or to-be plots... I'll try not to give anything away, but you totally see it coming! His character development was strong.
Finally, Anne Hathaway. I don't know why people keep calling her a Romantic-Comedy Actress. I guess no one saw Rachel Getting Married, Love and Other Drugs, and Brokeback Mountain (to name a few of her more serious roles). And if anyone is judging her by her performance in the God-Awful-Needs-to-be-taken-out-back-and-shot-Tim-Burton's-Alice-in-Wonderland, then you guys need to look at that Alice movie as a whole and realize it's garbage. Funny enough, Tim Burton also directed one of those early Batman movies and did a horrible job of that. Stop judging Anne Hathaway for Burton's incessant awfulness! Hathaway is amazing!
Anyways, while in an interview Hathaway stated "there's no mustache twirling in Nolan's Gotham City." However, she is actually the most mustache-twirliest character of the whole trilogy. She has quite a few one-liners and shots of her posed in specific angles that show off her lady-goods. I think that that has more to do with the script and shout-outs to patient fan-boys than with Hathaway's overall performance. She's quite biting and very good at filling the role of the infamous cat woman. But when she said the line "Cat got your tongue" I had to roll my eyes. Again, not her fault.... Stupid lines shouldn't have been in the script! I blame the writers for the cheesy dialogue.
And now it's time for
Top Five Inconsistencies/ Plot-Holes/ Questions/ Wish-They-Would-Have Moments! (slight spoilers, though not really, coz you see it coming)
5) There were a few too many times with Bane and Batman that would have been the perfect moment for "Bruce, (insert heavy Darth Vader breathing here) I am your Father!!" (that mask/voice really bugged me, SORRY!)
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| "Give your old man a hug!!!!!" |
4) How does Bane eat? Seriously? How? Maybe he doesn't, and that's why he's so pissed off and wants to destroy the world all the time.
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| "I'm so hungry!!!!" |
3) They never acknowledge that Batman wears eyeliner/ eyeshadow.
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| "I shop at Sephora!" |
In several different scenes Batman has to put on or take off his mask (or gets it kicked off his face) and every time there is no evidence of his eyeshadow ever being there. We all can see the holes in the mask would clearly show skin, like so:
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| Exhibit A |
and so we all know Batman has to put on Raccoon Eye Styled Eyeshadow, eye liner, or even black paint in order to achieve that-- so why don't they just acknowledge that? But no, his mask is off, and you have to assume he has makeup remover wipes in his utility bat belt.
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| Shhhh! I don't wear eyeliner! |
2) The scene where Bruce/Batman climbs up out of the well/prison wall, as he is standing there, I sincerely wished a gust of wind would just blow him right back into the well. Serve him right. I could not find any pictures on the internet of this scene, so here is a drawing by me.
I thought the whole time he was down in the well was relatively pointless anyways. You knew he'd escape and conquer all in the end. It was only half way through the movie and he's Batman... So, obviosuly he was going to escape. (Though it might have made for a much cooler movie if he just died down there and the rest of the cast was like "Ummmm")
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| Alternate Ending |
So he was obviously going to climb out of the well/ prison. --They had to add in all this "I'm not afraid" and "I want to live" silliness into the mix and make it an even longer movie. Then they wasted time having him climb once and fail (though that was kind of funny, I seriously put my hands up in the theater like,
why bother!?!?). They may as well have had a whole 80's montage of a bunch of attempts at climbing the wall and then falling and breaking his body again, having the doctor fix him, and then climbing, and then breaking his back for the billionth time, etc, etc, etc. They could have played "I Will Survive" even though that's not *quite* the 80's, it would have been a fitting song. Would have been way more entertaining than the rough 45 minutes of the movie they wasted with him down there listening to two guys telling stories about a little girl who scaled the wall in one try. Good job, Batman.
And.................. This next part I actually drew a whole comic to illustrate:
1) The ever-so-tired-coz-no-one-would-hear-you "Batman Voice." I know I mentioned this already, but he has got to stop mumbling!
There is this great scene where Bane and Batman are in the midst of all these policemen and criminals in an all-out battle. There's guns and explosions and shouting and punching, etc, etc. And Bane and Batman find each other in the middle of this war and... start having a conversation.
Ok, nothing new with superhero movies for the good guy and bad guy to have a final showdown-conversation.
Bane says something to Batman to the tune of "We meet again, Batman!" (I'm just guessing)
And Batman replies something to him in his
super hushed gotta-hide-my-voice-so-no-one-knows-I'm-Bruce-Wayne with something to the effect of "Your days are numbered, Bane!" (again, just guessing)
Seriously, no one would be able to hear that. These men are having a conversation 5 feet away from each other in the middle of a battle scene, and we're suppose to believe that they can hear each other as Batman whispers at him?
I hope there is a blooper reel somewhere where Tom Hardy just looks at Batman for a minute with sheer confusion on his face because he has no idea what the heck was just said.
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| (End of Comic) |
And seriously, Bane already told Batman that he knew he was Bruce Wayne like half-way through the movie. Why exactly must Batman continue to mumble darkly at people?
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Anyways, that's just my opinion! Again, don't take me too seriously, I'm being sarcastic. Go out and see the movie if you were already going to, or stay home if you weren't!
Also, if you come up with any other 80's montages Batman could have been working out/ epically failing to, comment below or message me on
Twitter - ClaireNoblesArt
And as usual with my previous Slightly Insane Comics, I hope I didn't cause too much brain damage this time! Have a great rest of your day!
